I ate a pepperoni today that tasted like actual poison. My mouth, the oral vector for delicacies of its delight (normally), perfumed with an interrogatory pollution plume. A feeling of sensational sickness overcame me. Tobacco would have tasted better or chewing uncoated ibuprofen tablets. I could think of any number of atrocious hypotheses that would have been more desirable than that ill timed toxic pig round. My poor, ridiculed tongue besieged by my own ignoramus. An unfortunate snack, destined to plague all my innards.
I desperately tried to get the scent and aftertaste to go away. I chugged some heavy whipping cream. It was delicious, but not the right time. Now nauseated and sloshing around a slugging milk belly, it remained. The stench, permeating my oropharynx. Toothpaste, mouthwash, shots of tequila. And nothing was getting me through.
I snickered at my own misfortune. How could I have been so hasty. “Check the ‘best by’ date”, you twit. Now, appropriately hungover on noxious swine, I waited, diaphoretic by the bathroom. Surely, one bite can’t reek that much havoc? Surely, I was mistaken. Shirley the Teledoc told me to “ride it out”. Perfect. Helpful. Thanks.
Now, long in the wake of this dramatic near death experience, my fingers gleefully pick the letters on the keyboard. I soak in the moment. There are no pepperonis in my fridge today. And there are no pepperonis in this recipe. It’s my objective from here on out; if I’m going to be hungover it better be off something like Walla Walla, Washington Wine or Fig and Cotton Candy Infused Martinis. And if I know me, that is just what the on-call doctor ordered.
Takes 20 min; Drinks 4
Ingredients for Fig & Cotton Candy Martini
- 20-25 cotton candy grapes, halved
- 2 fresh figs, halved, plus more for garnish
- Juice of half a lemon
- 4 shots good vodka
- Ice
Method
In a small food processor blend the grapes until juicy. Strain them over a small bowl to get all the delicious juice. Mash the pulp down with a spatula and allow to sit and strain for 10 min. This should yield about 1/2 cup.
Scoop out the insides of the figs and muddle into the cotton candy juice. Add lemon juice and whisk.
Scoop about 3/4 cup ice into a martini shaker. Pour in the vodka and the juice and shake about 10 times. Pour into frozen martini glasses and top with fig slices. Serve right away.
In the case that you are needing more festive cocktail inspo…Here are some other fruity seasonal favorites:
- Spring – Blood Orange, Elderflower Spritz
- Poolside – Grapefruit and Mezcal Margarita
- Around the yule log – Cranberry Old Fashioned
- Beachin’ – Watermelon, Blueberry & Tarragon Mojitos
