I broke up with him today. It’s taken a long time. But we were destined to crumble.
I’ve tried. I’ve wanted it to work so bad. But anxiety punches me in the face at 3am. My heartbeat races without a competitor. I wake up alone, sweaty, uneasy.
Unforgivable? Maybe. I’m deeply connected in safety and sickness. My pervasiveness evades.
I swim briskly to shore but the current pushes me further and further out to sea. I swallow so much. Resistance always gets the best of me. So I drown. Slow gulps. Pain my belly.
I love you. But I have to leave you.
Maybe I will. But it would only be temporary. I always come back. He is so good to me, mostly. I need him. I crave him.
Somehow abound, I wake again, this time on shore. Angry at myself for being too hedgy, so pliable. Malleable and egregious. Why can’t I be the dictator? Take control of my own destiny. Fate belongs in my hands. But he always sounds better. My hands prefer to be around him. I know how he tastes. Scrumptious.
Hypersalivation.
It’s sort of like roulette. A game of luck. But not a game at all. My heart, sore with grief and my head, consumed with emotion.
Battered and perplexed. Companionless in my solidarity. Without…him.
Nostalgia creeps in. Fragrance sulks (like in those Pepé Le Pew cartoons). He fights with no effort. Mesmerizing, harmonious warfare. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. A real life trojan horse. Demon, in the form of an angel. The sizzling, spatter, I can’t thwart.
Wooed, summoned, my eyes glaze and I give in. Exhausted, I’ve been beaten again. At my own game. A dose of my own medicine. A toxin and cure all wrapped up in one. Just one bite?
I try to be strong, but the thing is…It seems like he needs me. I can feel it. I can’t abandon him. Who would that make me?? Just a little bit, can’t hurt…
Conscious efforts afloat, enabled by a passive, narcissistic need (excuses).
He needs me.
Perverse and pandering…I remind myself persistent consistency – is key.
I broke up with him today. But he is too delicious. I will try again tomorrow.
Takes 50 min; Feeds your bacon obsession
Ingredients and Method for Crumble Insides
- 4 apples (2 Granny Smith, 2 Honey Crisp), peeled and diced
- Juice of 1 Meyer lemon
- 2 tbsp cornstarch
- 4 tbsp white sugar
- 1/2 tsp cinnamon
- 1/2 tsp ground ginger
Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl and set aside. Now let’s make the whipped Chevre…
Ingredients and Method for Whipped Chevre
- 2 tbsp good Chevre cheese at room temp
- 2/3 cup heavy whipping cream
- 1 tbsp white sugar
- 2 splashes vanilla
Place cheese and whipped cream in a cold KitchenAid mixer with the whisk attachment and start on low speed.
Slowly increase speed as cheese incorporates into cream and add sugar and vanilla.
Whip until the consistency of whipped cream. Keep chilled.
Ingredients and Method for Crumble Topping
- 7-8 ginger cookies, blitzed until fine in a food processor (I used Lotus Biscoff)
- 1/3 cup old fashioned oats
- 1/2 stick COLD, salted butter, diced + more for greasing
- 3 tbsp loose brown sugar
- Pinch of salt
- 1/3 cup flour
- Zest of 1 Meyer lemon
- 3 strips of cooked, crispy, irresistible bacon, cut up into bite size pieces
- 3 tbsp chopped walnuts (optional)
Mix the first 6 ingredients together with your hands until the butter is just incorporated, but still in small chunks.
Ok. Are you ready?
Preheat oven to 350F.
Grease a cast iron pan or pie bowl with butter.
Pour the innards in the pan. Top with the topping mixture.
Bake for 30 min and then look at it. If some of the apples are getting a tad brown, push them down a bit and add a few pats of butter. Turn heat up to 400F and bake for another 8-10 until golden and perfect.
Remove and crumble over the bacon bits, lemon zest, and walnuts (if using). Top with whipped Chevre.
More sweet teeth to satisfy? Try my Flourless Almond Cake with Dark Chocolate Ganache…or my super simple (and quite possibly the best breakfast in the world) Guava and Cheese Pastelitos…Perhaps you have a hankering for Chocolate Zucchini Bread with Mascarpone Whipped Cream? Lot’s more where these came from – check out the blog section under sweets and drinks:)
